I have this nagging sense of uneasiness, no matter what I’m doing. It follows me around like a cat I forgot to feed. Meowing, swirling around my legs, reminding me it’s still there and still hungry and still hasn’t been fed.
What needs feeding? What need am I ignoring in myself and refusing to nourish? Everybody wants something from me. What do I need from myself? How do I navigate this life I have created, and keep my peace of mind, my happiness, a body that doesn’t hurt, and a spirit that doesn’t cry?
Right here at the cusp of another moon cycle, it seems that’s all I’ve been doing for years now — hurting and crying. And I remember before that, as a young mother, it seems there was only one stress after another. Burdened by responsibilities, no room or space for myself. And rage. RAGE!
I can’t feel or remember all the joy and fun right now, though I know there was some of that, too.
Now I silently and passive-aggressively rebel when any demand is foisted upon me. Any and all responsibilities dictated by others chafe at me and I only long to be free of them. And when I am free of them, I rest and I think. And when I think, I cry. There is so much heartache and guilt and need, and it comes out through my tears.
Have I become an energy vampire? Am I now just a gaping hole of need, like a dying star? Do I have any light left to give in the world?
I don’t even know how to tell myself a new story, to make a different reality out of this that I can live with. I feel so lost.
I know in just a few days, as my hormones gather energy on the up-swing, a new, hopeful, impossibly joyful perspective will magically appear. I wish I knew how to make it come today.